I was just curling my hair topless and I just burned my nipple. Ouch.
Do you realize we just stole 12 dollars worth of quarters each from the office petty cash just to get manicures? New high or New Low?
I just wiped my vajayjay with snow. Bad idea.
you lied. pity sex is amazing.
I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.
bring the dog... nobody goes to jail with a dog.
I will have you again some day my love. And our divorce will be magnificent
He just sent me the contact information about getting the Zebra for graduation...
On second thought, is it weird that I scheduled a surgery that determines my fertility around lingerie football night? I might have fucked up priorities.
Absolutely not. I would have done the exact same thing.
I look at it as community service. He was going through a rough time and I gave him an ego boost. That's how we're going to remember it. I was doing a good deed lol
Congrats on dating a convict, there's no fitbit badge for that one.
Why did u text me "I want to get drunk and go to pizza hut tomorrow. don't let me forget." at 3am??
That text was pretty fucking self-explanatory, man.
I love that they love me even though I might not exsist, its kinda like Im God.
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
The waxing lady fingered me during my brazilian. 40 dollars well spent
Randomize
