So.. my mom just told me she hasn't gotten laid in 7 years... I'm really disturbed.. at the same time... At least now I know why shes so damn cranky all the damn time
Please don't tell me you're asking me to have sex with your mother.
apparently i started the naked brigade. and depantsed everyone who wasn't naked. her parents must hate me.
I still havent given him the valentines day card i got him. I feel like just writting...."sorry for the horrible blow job i gave u last night." and just giving it to him.
He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.
She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places
And he was super vague about his life, it was frustrating. I totally boned a homeless guy, didn't I?
My 16 year old coworker just told me I should take my job more seriously after she watched me puke in the backroom trash can. Fuck teenagers with morals.
Just talked a homeless guy out of suicide. Was rewarded with a garbage bag full of mountain dew bottles and zannies. Im such a good person
Hide in the closet. if you hear me yell patato salad come out swinging.
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
Please come and kill me with a brick you dont even have to be nice about it just smash myfucking skull in this is the worst hangover ive had for at least a week
I'm the one on the patio wearing underwear. Holding a pipe. Pigtail and glasses. Can't miss me.
Woke up in your shoes. Please tell me you woke up in mine
I woke up today in my boxers hugging a log and realized that I think I've gotten close enough to nature. I really need to stop doing shrooms with you
Btw his name is Woody. I must be really drunk to think this is a good situation
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