Who tried to make mustard cubes with the ice cube tray?
its easy. just sleep with a bunch of guys until one falls in love
I want to get so wasted that I make middle aged irish men look like mormon girls
He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.
She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.
I really want to know why half of my kitchen floor is missing.
High school girls are buying me shots. This will not end well.
Please tell me last night did not happen and there is another reason why my phone smells like ranch sauce ahahah
I did not appreciate your texts about spanking at 3'o'clock this morning.
$1 drinks and Playboy theme. I am never leaving this place
I WANT PIZZA BUT I ALSO WANT SELF ESTEEM
BUT LIKE WHO AM I TO EVER CARE ABOUT SELF ESTEEM
Soooooo I may or may not have accidentally been a catalyst in a destroyed marriage.
A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!
He got the life proof phone case so he could jack off in the shower without his wife knowing
I was taking a nap and she comes in wo/ pants, gets up on the bed and mounts my face while watching Weeds on Netflix. I'm okay with it, but at least let me wake up first.
Randomize
