I'm a grown ass woman and I'm sitting in bed eating pizza at 4:30 a.m. BFD, right?
is it odd that your cat looks tougher than you?
He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
youll never guess who i didnt fuck at that party
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I thought the fact that I took home a 42 year old with 3 kids would excuse my tardiness this morning because my boss is also 42 and has 3 kids. Boy was I wrong.
Im going to buy a thermometer. If its above 104 im going to the hospital if its under 104 im going to the bar
You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...
I may have just made our entire microwave glow green. Like big green. Like spark and make me shit green.
Like worse than the time I blew up the microwave with the egg green.
You brought a jar of mayonnaise to bed. It doesn't get any worse than that.
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somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
Also, there's a guy walking around the kitchen in a shark onzie, and he just asked if we've ever smoked weed with a shark before. I'm dying
My mind doesn't wanna day drink but my heart does.
I had sex upstairs in my parents house, and my mom texted me and said "those raccoons are out of control in the walls."
he's been dating her for 18 months and cheating on her with me for 16. if that's not commitment, i don't know what is.
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
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