put your butt on the phone this is a booty call
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
did i have both of my shoes on when the bouncer threw us out last night?
She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.
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It'll be just me and my penis against the world.
Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?
Just to update you. I am dead. So your probably gonna have to find a new roommate
Is it bad that I'm tracking my period with Instagram pictures?
I just conveyed my whole sex life to my mom over voicemail. Anddd, I'm hammered.
Top night. Top night.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
A stoners worse nightmare? Well packaged snacks. Just took me 5 mins to get a cinnamon roll out of the package. And another 3 mins to properly type this text
I wish I could accurately explain the embarrassment of standing in your bathroom with women's nair on your ass waiting to get in the shower.
True fear is being unable to remember where you hid your weed and vibrator in your parent's house.
Definitely went down on him last night while he was wearing a cape. He randomly kept swirling it around me and "revealing me" in the mirror like a magic trick. I'm not even a little upset, it's fun fucking younger guys.
I can't believe it is only 1:30...I may have to stab myself with scissors for an excuse to go home...
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