It looked like if robin williams had a vagina
I tried to tell him it was only 2:00, but he said since it was 5:00 in New York, it was perfectly acceptable. He then put on a Blues Brothers hat and a pair of wayfarers and left. I expect him home in a few hours with a police escort.
i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget
Why did I wake up holding food tongs?
sooo what's the appropriate music to listen to after you find out the dude you been fucking, is legit married with kids...what genre is that?
Straight guys just can't stay away. My penis must have pheromones or something.
So I dropped $130 while buying shots for an army ranger, got my fake taken, almost went to jail, and came out of my black out when I was talking to the cops with a stolen detour sign in my hands.
I found a half-finished mass text from my California weekend that said "things I want to rape: you, things, stuff, and le"
I've just informed her that you've voted her Chief-Adult-In-Charge-Of-Shit and that she will take the oath of office on Fri Dec 14th at 8 pm with her hand on a bottle of Jager.
Trying to figure out if the guy I'm with right now is the same guy I met spring break
Oh duude it is the guy from spring break! Awk.
He left a fire sauce packet from taco bell that said "promise you'll text me in the morning" on my nightstand.
My mother just set me up with the son of the man I fucked last weekend. I could crawl under a rock and die OR I could remember the rules of genetics and hope that JR takes after daddy. Wish me luck...
Idk she seemed really innocent until she snorted that line of vicodin
I'd kiss your neck and collarbone and then run my tongue up your neck to just behind your ear
And then lightly kick the curve inside your ear
I can’t believe the first text I’m sending you from this phone was about how I just got fingered in a smart car on tin can hill
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