At the bar. Guy comes up wearing a hollister shirt and says "lets blow this popsicle stand"
You fucking left with him didn't you?!
I'm so high that a hulu ad convinced me to go on healthybaby.com
Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...
It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.
I just wanted to decorate you...
We decided it was acceptable to walk out of class on a quest for Doritos. That high.
My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died
getting busted for public urination is like, a step above j-walking. you'll be fine
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
Shirley Temple died. We owe it to her to get dirty shirley wasted.
I just chugged whiskey at 7 AM because going to breakfasts at Brendas doesnt seem right if Im not real drunk. I feel like when Brenda takes my order she can tell Im drunk and will take care of me.
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
Wine is the only reason I'm making it in the real world
All of my friends are talking about changing their lives because they have an alcohol addiction and I'm over here reminding my boss that it's national beer day.
New guy moved in the apartment next door. He's a combat vet, 6'4", Adonis body and going to med school. My vagina is chewing thru the wall as we speak.
I wish drug dealers had sales for the holidays
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