I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.
apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.
also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.
YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!
correction: escorted out
we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.
Trying to grind with crutches was not a success
I caught them hiding behind a car trying to have sex.
Please tell me you've ingested more than weed and Oreos today
I feel like our relationship should have moved on from you constantly asking if I'm gay
I need drugs. Hard drugs. Today. Not tomorrow. Today. Something relaxing.
Dressing as mugato from zoolander Halloween you may want to be the hand model. We can get you a fish bowl filled with Clementine Vodka and soda you can put your hand in.
This country song on the radio just had a rap break. What. No. Why.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
went out to hit golf balls, ended up doing splits at the bar. you're a bad influence.
Randomize
