Hey it's Austin.
I am not drunk enough for this conversation.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now
Why do my balls have what looks like rust on them?
do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!
I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.
The melted ice in my drinks tonight is probably the most water I've had in like 3 days accumulated.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Dude. Why is there a hamster in my pocket? WHAT THE FUCK WAS IN THAT JOINT
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Funny how the post-sex UTI lasted longer than the entire relationship.
He said he doesn't "believe" in cuddling. Can you come get me?
Not sure how my purse ended up in the bushes last night... Or why there was a noodle strainer in the toilet.
Totally reading about penis envy for my final exam
that's the second time my extensive knowledge of taylor swift has gotten me laid
Randomize
