i'm eating jello out of a teacup with a fork. awesome?
We fish bowled my car and anna told us a story about time travel and part of it had people melted into the side of a boat and i imagined them being melted into my car moaning in pain and then we got scared and thought zombies were outside and couldn't leave for a while.
i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.
at least i was responsible enough to take off my shoe and throw up in it
Just abandoned him for a bowl of soup and the living room floor...hope the window replacement guys don't get a show..I miss you!
Sorry, but you probably shouldn't come over. I'm too sober for this.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
You have no idea I looked like the porno version of Laura Ingalls Wilder
Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
We are best friends because we can vomit simultaneously in the same toilet and not care
i told them you weren't like that.. and they laughed at me?
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