sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm
i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day
Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.
I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.
Walking down the street trying to find the pants I had on last night
Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.
Dude I woke up in her bed wearing a top hat and bunny slippers and noticed one of us had pissed in bed. The last thing I wanted to ask for was a ride home
I feel like I got hit by a truck. Or a baby dinosaur. One of them ran over my body and then stuck me in a blender of fire and storm clouds
Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?
Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way
Two women at the Safeway just got out of their separate cars and kissed. One was driving an outback, the other a CRV. It was like a Honda and Subaru had a lesbian joint venture and filmed the commercial in front of me.
At least he finally released me from his spooning oven of death...
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
and the oscar for 'most creative swearing' goes to you for 'jesus's bloody fucksticks'
Why exactly is there a butt plug on the counter?
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
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