when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.
i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together
You know your in college when you use the receipt from the liquor store as a bookmark
I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.
It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.
she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes
I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...
He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.
the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people
Is 'too horny to study' a good enough medical excuse to not take a final?
New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete
We were pulling the glow sticks off of him and he just kept yelling, "my bones! You're taking my bones!" and asking me if I was on the crew team
Pretty sure the guy I hooked up with Saturday gave me a buy one get one free coupon for chipotle. Who said nice guys don't exist?
he just fluffed my hair and told me I had to dance with him because we were both gingers.
Fly, little bird! Repopulate the ginger race!
Also, I wish we had magnetic nipple rings and our boobs stuck together.
Randomize
