I think my guts just had a chinese fire drill
Sex should be hot, sweaty, messy, and a little painful. At no point should it involve tiny rocks
time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.
They left me stranded on the side of the road with a table and five gallons of water. They said it was all I really needed to survive. People are staring
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
I have just gotten home. I saw a lot of penis tonight. On a trampoline. Shit got weird.
I'm on the toilet with no toilet paper. When are you coming over? I'm contemplating on just staying here until you arrive.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.
Meh, all I have to do tomorrow is proctor an AP test. No loud noises and no physical activity allowed for almost 4 hours. Sounds like the perfect recovery period for a hangover.
I may be asexual, but I owe you a solid from yesterday. I am a man of my word.
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
...I just melted into my bed. I am one with the bed. I am 600 thread count.
you know you're sexually deprived when you're holding a warm taquito in your hand and your vagina starts to tingle
how do you say “i know we haven’t hung out in a month, but i gave myself an amazing orgasm to your picture the other day” without coming on too strong
Randomize
