I'm chasing vodka with french fries.
i'm unexpectedly in a limo, eating poutine. the driver just offered me coke. good idea?
on the way home the dog started throwing up her bone in the car..so naturally i started to puke too
You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.
There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party
My financial advisor filed my girlfriend's abortion under "investments" so my wife wouldn't find out
You want anything?
Gatorade and you naked.
according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.
We found you facedown on his couch in a pile of cheerios, with only one shoe on. Dude you said you were staying in last night.
No it's ok I've been talking to the girl at the Chinese restaurant about your dick for the last 20 minutes. I haven't mentioned your name but she thinks she knows you.
i think ive crossed the line from sexually frustrated to sexually furious
Tolerating him while I'm not drunk is like trying to find a word that rhymes with orange
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
As a home can we vote to stab Peter?
He talked me out going to the bar. No one ever talks me out going to the bar..this is fucking love.
Randomize
