i can't put facebook on my resume under hobbies.
8th day he invented the big mac, 9th he invented pop rocks, 10th day boobs.
When I'm drunk i like to pretend my penis is zeus and instead of peeing i'm throwing lightning bolts into the toilet...it helps me focus.
He showed me a four inch blond hair that grows out of his side. He calls it his little ray of sunshine. Please come get me.
Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex
I knew she could be a good mother by the way she craddled three 40oz's.
normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.
4 am. She strained the mac and cheese onto her legs. She has no skin.
#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex
I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.
Started the 4th with a foursome. I don't know if it gets more festive than that. #MERICA
I know he's gay. But if he touches my vagina I'm human centipeding his face. Sorry not sorry
dude it's 9am and i'm still drunk it's too early for sexting
You're not who I thought you were. You've changed.
Stranded. In bathroom stall. No toilet paper. I repeat NO TOILET PAPER! Assistance needed asap. GO! GO! GO!
Dude whoeverrs house this is has only creeam cheese and beer in the fridge. Thats my kinda diet
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