I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.
I don't know how to tell my mom that I'm not sober enough to drive to the dentist...
Buying weed on Christmas. Gotta love Jewish drug dealers
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Did you miss the part about my hangover needing a day to rest?
It takes a special friend to go vibrator shopping with
Yes. It does.
I am seriously only coming over if there are McNuggets. I want 10 bitch. Honey mustard.
Next year for Halloween you can be the sword swallower, with a penis shaped sword.
It's all part of my master plan: have him buy me all I can eat pizza and all I can drink beer AND THEN tell him there was no spark and we're better off as friends.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
no real plans this weekend. trying to derail the alcohol induced fucking hell train I've been riding for the past three weeks.
just learned i can hear my fish chewing his food WHILE HES IN HIS BOWL. im going to have to call you back.
According to my bank account I spent a penny some where
Hey. Did I get punched in the face last night?
Yeah. I told you I would and you didn't believe me.
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