He uses pillows to masturbate.
there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his
There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them
We woke up under the ping pong table holding hands.
this cock blocking thing really has to end bro...its one thing to tell jen i live with my mom.. its another to cut the brakes on my car..
There is a really great story behind the missing Coco Puffs and vodka mystery
TONIGHT IS GOING TO BE A FUCKING BLAST. EVEN IF I HAVE TO SET OFF A BUNCH OF FIREWORKS IN YOUR KITCHEN.
A few days ago I apparently came up, asked her to make me soup, and handed her a can of coconut milk.
I only remember singing the Captain Planet theme song on our way to the bars.
I'm just mad because I can't play gta5 all day tomorrow cuz I'll be in court testifying against a craigslist prostitute...
I woke up to his balls in my face, so naturally I limboed under him and headed to the bathroom. When I came out he was asleep on the floor.
Why do I feel so obligated to masterbate just because I’m single and it’s valentines Day...
He sang the chorus to “Inside of you” by Russel Brand in Forgetting Sarah Marshall as he proceeded to not pull out...
Honestly? I wouldn’t even be mad, that probably took talent
I do not recommend playing football on LSD like at all
Just saw a car towing a guy on skis drive by so that’s how Syracuse is doing today.
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