it's not cheating when I paid for it
Yes. It's so easy to pack to leave when you've thrown away half your clothing cause it smells like vomit.
my financial goal is to have my cable back before football season starts
We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.
You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
I'm eating a piece of cake like an apple. At least my thought process is healthy.
He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together
A true beacon of hope in these dark times
These freshman guys were trying to holler at me from their window, and I realized about 20 minutes too late that the best possible reaction at that time would've been screaming "FLACCID PENIS". Oh, and I found this awesome zombie charm bracelet you would love.
You're going to be mad because I got baked, but not that mad because I'm bringing home kfc.
Stop sending me pictures of you naked. This violates the friend zone agreement.
Eh. Fuck him. He's missing out. I'm legit naked and drinking straight from the bottle of wine.
What's life without a pregnancy scare?
After we'd both come, we started writing a book about dragons. Woke up this morning to a full English breakfast. Can't thank you enough for introducing us
Jesus fucking Mary Christ if I have to clean shit out of my fucking bathtub one more fucking time I'm gonna murder a fucking kitten
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