The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
Fuck Jersey, the house im in is so baller but this state just cannot win.
This random guy just introduced himself then said "So, I am staying at my friends place and he has a 4 year old, so we should probably go back to your house." WTF kind of vibes do I give off?
So apparently vaginal secretions are not covered under water damage insurance for my cell phone
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There is nothing wrong with wanting a slide attached to your staircase
I think I'm making progress on my commitment issues. I drunk made out with the same guy from last semester this weekend.
At some point you realize they're vacuuming and you still have to sober up. Please find me a boyfriend thanks .
It was one of those nights where you get back from the bar and end up staying up till 3AM beating off to facebook photos of girls from college
Lets have the type of night where its 5am and one of us has definitely punched someone who has been on a Disney Channel show.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
It all went downhill when I figured out I could launch myself into people with my crutches
If I woke up in a pillar of smoke I suppose that's a sign right
At one point I yelled "THIS IS MY PENANCE FOR EVERYTHING I'VE DONE WRONG" and started saying Hail Marys
But, if I start dating you brother, I can't talk to you about the sex anymore!! Like... Can we talk about it anonymously?! I just won't use his name.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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