Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.
There are only two things that should be in vaginas... penises and vegetables
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week
I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny
The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.
Just saw a drunk bitch in the west village peeing on a car. You are not alone.
Why are you awake at 6am and liking photos from rando Russian chicks on Instagram?
I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".
I think I just gave my niece a weed pinata...
I can't believe you cupped pat's balls to prove your fake relationship
You handed me an unpeeled grapefruit off the frat basement floor and then took a bite out of it.
In other news, just had to pluck an ingrown pub with the pliers from my multi tool while sitting on the toilet at work.
I didn't even know we were hiding from the cops, I was just playing with the cats. People kept telling me to be quiet the cops are here and I was like DID YOU SEE THIS CAT!?
I think my liver just tried to kill me, we need to slow down
Randomize
