Pls tell me she didnt actually sign a nutsack.
Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters
I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys
you think that next time i come over to do this you can pick up the condom wrappers you used on the other girls
It's hard to be a gentleman when a girl pauses her karaoke version of "a whole new world," and proceeds to tell the entire bar that she wants your cock in her mouth.
Ice cream: Good. Fraternity: Good. Eating ice cream off a Skid Row bum's ass crack in order to get into a Fraternity: Homoerotic at best. I quit.
He just subscribed to one of my Spotify playlists. The next step is sex.
you were telling us about the time you had sex in an alley and he stopped, looked up and said 'it was a cul-de-sac' and went right back to what he was doing.
He followed me on twitter after I posted a drunk screen shot of a tweet. It's like he gave me permission to stalk him on a whole different level.
They think its so cute and admirable that I learned French. BITCH HAVE YOU NEVER HEARD OF GOOGLE TRANSLATE? sexting foreign bitches, there's an app for that
Dude, there are some things that you can't un-see. Her, beached on a dog bed, is one of them.
I mean, you got a giant dick. I've seen lawn gnomes that are smaller.
I can't find my keys and there's a hotdog in my purse.
There’s nothing that says motivation more than watching these little geniuses on Kids Baking Championship New Year’s Day. I’m ready to fuck shit up this year.
Access to a Target is paramount to my general happiness and self-worth.
Randomize
