Got bored today and made list of places in apt I want to have sex. One includes opening and coming out the window.
If I die, please delete the word file entitled "Rainy Day"
Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.
tiger just fucked it up for all of us...she grabbed my phone this morning and started asking questions.
I am drinking at a movie theater seeing a children's movie, 2nd time this week
I was literally just a half conscious dildo.
He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.
Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.
Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa
Oh Jesus.
You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.
When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.
I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.
I LOVE YOU NO MATTER HOW MANY BALLS YOUVE SUCKED
Apparently, the Mormons have taken over airports. I was told by a befuddled looking clerk I couldn't buy a beer with breakfast before 6am.
We broke into the kitchen, stole cooking aprons, and wore them on the dance floor.
is telling someone you can be his trophy wife the same as proposing?
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
