mondays should just be called national damage control day
Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.
I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.
she's five days sober.....are those consecutive????
5 days not 5 nights... like a bad hotel/vacation deal
Woke up this morning with my period. Saw a commercial for the beginning of Shark Week. I see what you did there, Mother Nature. My pad's off to you.
6 beers, 3 orange crushes, & half a fire ball later & you get my alter ego.
I felt so bad but my urge to be with you & drunkenly eat your face was apparently much stronger.
My jeans are ripped and her glitter was all over me.. My walk of shame looked like I fucked a unicorn last night
ever had one of those days where you say fuck it and lick the inside of a bag of chips
Him naked in my bed with a bottle of vodka in one hand, a pipe in the other, and a rose in his mouth.
Positive reinforcement! I'm training him for being a good boy and coming over. He gets sex and cookies.
Go forth my friend, but don't do any of that fruitful and multiplying shit.
And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one
That same damn squirrel keeps staring at me like I did something wrong. Nature knows when you're hung over.
I left you a really long drunk voicemail and I remember something about a bat
Randomize
