I'm glad girls dont get visible erections
But, it would have made life so much easier...
I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium
my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....
Found a guy passed out on the coffee table with a thong duct taped from ear to ear.
I have a plus one for the Blackout Express, should I pen in your name?
I'll have you know that I'm still picking duct tape residue off my wrist from sunday
Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?
I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness
I just watched my mom get dick on Skype.
That d should have definitely been an s.
So... Really random... You know we only exist cause Dad misspelled 'perseverance', right?
He was jealous of me and threatened by me. I'm like, just cause I could fuck your girlfriend doesn't mean I'm going to
She's not even my type. She doesn't have a penis or a drug problem
When you're really drunk, Japanese toilets just have an unnecessary amount of buttons.
It's sad that I'm more proud of my Twitter account then my resume
I've washed my hands three times and it still smells like Astroglide.
You know you're drunk when you have to be picked up out of a bathtub.
Randomize
