I'm at subway, this 8 year old kid is judging my fashion sense with his dad. I want to kill myself.
It's ok, he's just 8, he's not judging you.
He just asked why I'm sitting alone. I honestly want to cry.
Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella
Were driving two hours to st louis so we can pee on the arch. See you in the morning. I might be sober by then.
raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win
lets go back to having secrets in our friendship
I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.
dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.
Why did this happen to me why did I have to meet him if I could go back in time I never would have grabbed his dick
fell down stairs ended up in underground bar now im dancing with trannies and best night of my life. lines of coke
No dude. I can't think of anything LESS sexy than yodeling
Testing the emergency boobs hotline
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
Pregaming at Jodi's. Ten minutes
Thought it was at Brad's?
Pregaming the pregame. Need alcohol before I can see that dick.
He calculated like a serious conversion in his head the other day and got a crazy number and I was like damn that’s hot please proceed to take your clothes off.
Our conversation went from you choking me to my quarter life crisis reeeaaalllll quick.
Randomize
