I kept calling his name while we were having sex cuz i was so proud that i remembered it.
i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring
the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.
And in my birthday dress, with my friends, i peed on myself in line for the club. Still went in and partied. I remember pieces
I'll probably just lay on my couch bra-less sipping wine out of a straw so I don't have to lift my head.
Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis
I took shots of absinthe with my mom just now. Except awful things.
Clearly the ONLY reason why you were voted employee of the month is because of your upside-down beer funneling skills.
Don't they also have a lot of serious head injuries?
I didn't say I wanted to marry one of them. Or that I want one to perform surgery on me. I just want to have hot, dirty, MMA style sex.
All is fair in love and war and toga parties
Doing bumps while the kids play upstairs. #bestnannyever
I'm playing a lilo and stitch drinking game
Aloha alcoholism.
He also reminds me slightly of a pirate which i find strangely attractive
Literally I woke up the other day and the girl part of me was like “GET CUFFED MOTHERFUCKER” and I went ham on tinder.
Congratulations you now have a pet Scotsman.
Randomize
