I puked in the cab and in my hair and he didnt even know
You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth
He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip
I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.
Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.
i watched you ride a mechanical penis. nothing is awkward between us anymore.
I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.
Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.
I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have
Also he wants to know a casual, consise way to ask a girl in a bar if he could eat her out. Think on that.
I took in his dog. My exboyfriend still calls me for 2 things, blow jobs and animal rescue. I need to end this cycle
Everyone at work loved my story about sobering up in a river with no bra on.
If he can't cook well I'm just gonna buy a RealDoll and twenty cats and live my own fucking life
Who would you rather hang with tonight, drunk me or high me?
i just cleaned my bong... I do not feel healthy
Randomize
