Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?
Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country
just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".
What the fuck am I going to do with a pinata full of tampons?
I think I reached optimum potential when I summersaulted straight into a kiddie pool.
No, earlier you attempted Jenga with everyones shoes.
The bouncer was being really rude for no reason. Steph PICKED him up and physically MOVED him from our path on the way out.
Well thats the pro of going out drinking with a pro body builder. Even if its a girl.
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
Reached a new low last night. Passed out. With my pants down. On the toilet. At ihop. Waitress had to wake me up.
I'm attracted to him because he looks like the kind of guy who would lick my asshole without me having to ask.
the best part was at the strip club when he said he was "here to pick up my wife. she's up on stage.....wait that's my aunt". only in Ottawa.
I just slipped on ice and peed on my pea coat. There's a pun there but I'm too sad to make it
Do you think it would be a margarita if you just out tequila in a sonic slush?
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
I'm so hungry and so lazy that I'm seriously considering ripping into that packet of cream cheese in my nightstand.
Randomize
