Im handcuffed to some kid i hardly know. there are no cops involved
finally nailed that neighbor chick. hopefully i can get her wireless password now. free internet trumps moral standards any day
Tonight's Jeopardy categories were "Star Trek, Action Figures, Dinner For One, In Need of a Date, Still Living With Mom & Dad, You Have No Life." Beginning to think my life is the Truman Show.
just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.
Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.
That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.
I wish him all the best and hope one day he can afford the surgery to remove his head from his ass
the 5 D's of Dodgeball literally just saved my life
She just texted me apologizing for taking selfies on my phone then asked me to send them to her
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I feel like a pet sloth would complement my lifestyle.
Im crossing my legs while on the toilet. It's like I'm unconsciously thinking "if im going to barf and shit at the same time, Im at least going to do it LIKE A LADY"
I slept on her porch...in her dads handcuffs
I'm not complaining, but why is it that every time I hang out with you I come home with random injuries and random girls?
i just want to cuddle, make out and maybe have a boob grabbed but no. someone has to have mono.
Ok. Yes. He has a tiny penis. But he also has a trust fund.
Randomize