I KNOW you don't honestly think you can pay me back in lotto tickets.
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
I just threw up while getting a haircut. I'm never trying to accomplish stuff with a hangover again.
I tried to explain to him that we just wanted a stereotypical black friend to be in our group. He didn't take it too well... Never take me to the bar again.
is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?
The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Your lower body and my face have had way too much contact lately.
Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.
He sent me a snap chat of his naked torso with cookies over his nipples. Like.... that does not make me want you homeboy.
I'm on day 4 of clean eating. I call it the "whore by June" program
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
another side note: i'm officially selling my underwear on the internet
Punched myself in the face trying to open a bottle of Vicodin one handed. Night is going well.
Yeah but now he has a wife. It’s going to be different this year
So what. We’ve banged every Thanksgiving since high school. She just has to understand it’s a holiday tradition
Randomize
