I was actually kinda bummed my STD test came back negative.
That would have been proof he'd slept with the stripper. Lame.
so i walked in, looked up the stairs and all i saw was smashed pumpkin, tube socks, and marinara sauce
the date was going great.. until he pulled down his pants and asked if there was any hair in between his cheeks.
Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...
The last thing I remember was talking about the economic viability of cock ring manufacturing... we had some good ideas
Tonight that bitch will not be with him. You will drunkingly talk him out of this wedding. It is your duty as the one with the least amount of soul. Good luck.
No one likes wet exercise unless it's vigorous sex in the shower
I just blacked back in and I'm at a kids birthday party in a suit and people are calling me uncle Carl. Never having your homemade liquor again.
I mean she did throw a tantrum because you wouldn't let her suck your dick
hooked up with him and then had a conversation with his ex about how we hate people who hook up with our exs...
He started me on Celexa. I think I feel like Bjork. Is that normal?
Like... my feet feel like little octopuses, and they want to swim to the next room.
There are twenty eight units in that building. There has to be at least one heterosexual in it. You can't have fucked your way through all of it.
He showed his fake to the cop and was like "does the coloring look off to you?"
Randomize
