Moving to Utah. Got sick of alcohol and have a severe wife shortage.
This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?
the hot woman interviewing me is reading jokes off the back of laffy taffy.... I'm getting laid and possibly a job
He then proceeded to try to whisper up my nose...
Why are you covered in frosting?
Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.
well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night
It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.
When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"
the last thing i remember is yelling at the cab driver that i'm really good at drive by vomitting.
Eating a popsicle in the shower was the best idea I've had in ages.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
I wish I cared about making my vagina as presentable as you do.
I would definitely ride that dick into the sunset if nuggets are involved
If the guys trying to booty call text me could see me right now in some raggedy pajamas with toothpaste down the front of my shirt eating pepperoni out of the package they might change their minds
There are footprints all over my windshield
You said you were making waffles...
Randomize
