did you know you can prarie-dog a fart??
I only knew it was midnight because i got happy new years texts while i puked outside
Now that the olympics are over we have no excuse for getting belligerently drunk for nationalism every night.
don't worry about the poodle she's always like that. she's like 14 years old and ate a bag of weed when she was a puppy.
She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.
are you aware you chucked your pizza at a girl's face after the bar last night?
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Lets be real here, you loved it when I was on top. With and without the machete.
WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN
I would have cried, probably tears of wine, but cried nonetheless.
YOU WORK IN THE US CAPITOL! YOU CANNOT HAVE SEX IN THE BATHROOM!!
Dude, you are totally ruining intern season for me...
80% sure the drag queens carried her home
Well the good news is ill probably have my new boobs by the time he sees me naked
I'm out of prison. Wanna start a band?
I just crop dusted the hot FedEx guy delivering my business cards...then asked him "Was that you?" How the fuck am I allowed to be an adult?
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