I woke up 25 minutes ago and have been high for 20. Impressive?
I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.
Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can
She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?
I don't know whether to call the hospital or call the prison first.
We could all 3 jump out of a cake in just tophats. A true marble cake.
Can we just focus for a minute on the fact that I HAD MY FIRST LESBIAN ENCOUNTER.
Right. How rude of me to inform you that you're going to be an aunt.
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Why are your underwear on my dining room table?
I wish I saved his nudes so I could anonymously submit them to his tumblr
So some drunk guy just tried to convince me with all of his passion that bacon is a color
Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?
Oh god...probably.
There now exists video of me holding a (recently emptied) bottle of Russian Standard vodka, trying to sing the Russian national anthem.
He drives a PT Cruiser.... that should have been my first clue.
We got really excited for country fried steak then we had sex.
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