remember facepaint boy? turns out it stains. aaaand i have it all over my face and neck.
You got in a fight last night?
Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.
Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?
Woke up this morning with one boob drawn on to look like the globe. Questionable?
Never again. Her vagina looked like a sad old man.
remember, YOU ARE A WINNER
my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
They put paint on their hands and tried to see how many times they could touch me before I woke up.
Judging by this purple one they got to second base.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
my mom snuck into my room, washed her clothes and made her breakfast. what the fuck she's a better boyfriend than I am
i just thought a plastic bag was my cat. i just pet a plastic bag. that high.
I told him I'd ride his broomstick if he let me call him Harry Potter and drew a lightning bolt on his forehead.
He's driving 2 hours to visit me and he's bringing weed. I love him so much.
Did you apologize to him for the trip to the strip club as a first date or is that something that just gets swept under the rug??
I'm going to get him a gold star sticker and put it on his dick
Randomize
