textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me
that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
So after i got done, she went over and got out her gecko, I felt like I was in an X rated geiko commercial.
Just filled up my pledge keg goblet with coffee at bp. They can judge all they want. At least I'm not killing baby dolphins.
i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...
I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.
She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...
I know that was a dream because I woke up and there was no pizza
The hookers weren't a dream get tested
He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Sangria Flip Cup was probably one of our worse drunken decisions
I can't. I mean he's hot, but there's really nothing else there
You just said he's hot
NO YOU DON'T UNDERSTAND
I opened my eyes to the dog snorting coke, I decided it was best to just close my eyes and forget what I saw
dude igloo, 4 foot bong, and 3 grams of blue dream. will you be my eskimo buddy?
I’ve developed a strange interest in ear wax removal vids on YouTube. Dear god, I need to get a job
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