I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
she used her one phone call to ask me about my day
Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.
You had us pull over so you could pee, you proceeded to pee in some random persons front yard while yelling "im not ashamed"
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
She looks like a Midwestern news anchor that got fired so she has done nothing but eat for the past 6 months.
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
I'm trimming my pubes right now and the battery was wearing down. So I chose to only trim one side. I cut the right side down and now I look like pubic two-face. Right all trim and near and left like a caveman.
I am so not sober enough to have a 5 minute conversation in Spanish
If he brings home bacon, dont let him leave. Dont screw this one up. this may be our last chance.
am drunk, naked, and blow drying cat. need adult supervision
So I just accidentally joined a bar crawl and got a free shotski of Jameson. I love life.
There is way too much butt cleavage here for a formal event.
I’m going to lick a fucking door knob when this shit is all over
Probably Waffle House
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