so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.
she gave him a mild concussion from throwing him against the wall in an attempt to dance with him. gotta love monday nights at the sandbar.
He says he's "masters drunk." And if that's anything like "kentucky derby drunk" I know enough to not go over there.
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
I legit had to pull him off my car. Then he texted me saying 'take me places.' Shotgun getting that drunk tonight
In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted
it is a toga and you are a goddess.
It's the only time I've ever felt manly shitting myself
Dinner at my parents is vodka, lemonade, cheese ad crackers. Why would I leave?
The last thing I remember is goading each other into a vodka-chugging competition.
He called his dick the "gentle giant"
no it was
but you compared your dick to a female disney character
stop falling asleep in the bathtub. you are not a movie star, you cannot die that way.
Okay so I just had a really great idea
no.
Today will be the day I throw up in my backpack in the middle of class
Randomize
