First guy to fuck a girl in the new tool shed. Her underwear is on the shovel hook.
i hate when i ask a girl what she's being for halloween and the first word isn't "slutty"
he aplogized for the shitty sex and called me "ma'am" when he did it. And he wants redemption sex. Gah I love southern gentlemen.
It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children
I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers
Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it
I was paranoid that someone would jizz in my hair while I had the cucumbers over my eyes. Super-High Spa Day didnt work out.
I am honored my friend, to hold the decision of what enters your body
Sitting topless in my room drinking wine from a box... It's good to be back at school
Haha just talked to the dude you bit on Thursday. He has been growing a beard to hide the bruising....
My boss asked me what was wrong today and I really wanted to tell her I woke up too late to smoke a bowl before coming in
Let me guess you did your hair instead? Has anyone told you about priorities?
He just sprayed AXE in his mouth to get rid of his bad breath... THAT DRUNK
I made a bucket list last night. Number 5: Will marry a wizard.
Do you have any idea how awkward it was to type ‘dog twerking’ into google search? Because I don’t think you do.
I’ve wanted to home wreck him since their wedding. It was a dream come true
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