Dear yesterdays makeup, Thank you for always being there when I stay up late binge drinking on weeknights and am running late to work Friday morning. You're the best.
I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry
we were doing it doggy-style and i felt him pop that pimple on my back.I have mixed feelings about it
Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???
Ok. Also I almost just threw up. Seriously. I was think to myself "really? Here? Now? At my work desk?" and then it went away.
It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...
Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.
you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.
Oh my god I just remembered I bit a stripper last night.
Why would I take you home? That would eliminate the chances of you making bad decisions I could ridicule you about later.
I am honestly trying to remember his name. All I can remember is that he had a weird mole, a daughter and a lot of cocaine. Please stop letting me pick up at gay night.
I choose McDonald's breakfast at 1:28am over sex anytime
U touched your head and and said "oh look blood" and then looked at me and touched my face... And said war paint
Only I could go on a date with one guy, have a beer with a different guy and go home with the guy im trying to avoid. I have a talent or a problem.
Well he has a golden retriever set as his background so there's no way he was filming us having sex
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