This dress was meant to end up on your floor
You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI
nothing cures the holiday blues like an open bar
I just had to MC for a middle school event with jizz on my dress. I'm going to hell.
There are flashing lights and a man dressed as Santa with a bullhorn in my cul de sac.
I'm not sure if this is awesome or scary.
I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.
Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.
He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.
I fell asleep on the bus and woke up in Italian Las Vegas. Europe was a successful continent for me.
High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.
She sucks enough dick that I could make her mouth a legitimate Yelp location.
my brain is opting to stay half drunk rather than relearn how to think. the rest of me is in no position to argue.
I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..
Their first impression of me was that I was completely naked. So yeah college hasn't even started yet and I'm already that person.
i just got drunk and created an entire Dr Seuss unit for my first graders.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
