My sheets at my parents place are clean. No braveheart but I can paint myself, yell "freedom", and sword fight you with my cock. So come over.
I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.
When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience
did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?
The a/c is broken so they cut a softball size whole in the freezer door. Goodbye deposit.
He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
He was so hammered. He called the cops on the landscapers he thought they were trespassing. 2 were arrested on warrants.
It's getting harder and harder to find People to carry her home
She shouldn't drink
just reached the point where my breast implants paid from themselves in free drinks.
How do u even exfoliate your vagina
I ate so much cake that I can't even enjoy a blowjob
That's the most first world problem I've ever heard in my life.
Just dropped the most perfectly rolled joint into the toilet I just finished taking a shit in, hadn't even had time to flush, 5 second rule?
No!
If I'm able to walk tomorrow morning, I'm gonna be really disappointed with myself...
All I remember is your girlfriend laying on the bathroom floor and me crawling in and asking if it was okay to puke.
Randomize
