I think I died a long time ago.
Of course she's mad at you. You Kanye Wested a picture of her catching snowflakes in her mouth. "imma let you finish but..." was the shaft and you put two of Kanye West's heads for the balls.
Highlight of the week: I had sex with a B movie star wearing an eye patch.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
Just got cockblocked by my GF's wedding shower... That's a first. And I have to buy a gift.
If we had kids we couldn't come home, get high and watch porn together. And that's like the only reason I get up in the morning
So the day after the 4th I'm sitting here drinking Molson and watching NHL free agent frenzy. From patriotic American to drunken Canadian in 24 hours flat. Booyah.
Reasons why I love cats more than people: 1. They're not fucking people.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
he was high. i was rolling face. we were both wearing grateful dead t shirts. at that point it's like we had no choice but to fuck
So, I have realized that I am kryptonite for married men. I'm not sure how to feel about this sober, but drunk me accepts her destiny.
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
Your girlfriend agreed to a threesome, I saw dogs in a bar. It seems life is falling into place for us
I got the shit slapped outta me last night but the pain in my jaw doesn’t even compare to the hangover I have.
They want a bedroom just for their cats. And you thought we were gay.
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