you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it
You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.
French fry pizza
Are you brilliant or just really high?
Can't it be both?
If I get laid, we are framing that mattress and hanging it on the wall as the place we both lost our virginities.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not
I gave you a piece of bread to sober you up. You wiped your face off with it and then gave it back to me.
Didn't know where your dishes went. Put em in the bathtub. They're stacked taller than you. It's like modern art.
He told me I smelled like peanut butter, pepperoni, and pure unbrieldled passion.
i feel like ive seen the light, but not in the nasty christian way. thats gross. say no to jesus, kids
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She's officially a Tinder poltergeist.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Oh god. Charles just fell off the bar. Didn't spill his drink. He's come so far..
I think this is the first time I heard a lesbian version of baby it's cold outside.
I was trying to type "I just want you naked" and it put "I just want you baked"
Soon to be ex is nowhere to be found. Her attorney/new BF just showed up. 30 minutes late looking hungover. Pretty sure I'm getting the kids AND the house!
Randomize