either fucking kiss her or kick her ass to the curb. Either way I can hear everything you are saying
Do you have any cake mix? I kind of need to make a "im sorry i drank all your parents tequila, threw up all over your floor and slept with you boyfriend" cake.
Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.
Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night
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You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.
I can not say for certain that I did not blow someone in the bathroom at the bar at some point.
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
He told me he loved me. I didn't know what to say so i just squirted the baby oil at him
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
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Opened the apartment door and the smell of sex and weed literally slapped me across the face. Kudos.
Also I just took Ritalin with coffee so if anyone wants to know what numbers sound like, I got you
Woke up eating a pickle on the bathroom floor this morning in some random guys sweat pants.
I don't think meeting his drug dealers counts as a relationship landmark.
I mean I know I'll get over it by like tonight but ew ew eww. I cannot. Dude I don't even know his name also I threw up on his penis
Sitting in the car eating a bagel. Watching a guy do tai chi in the parking lot. My morning is fabulous