I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.
I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.
what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?
I need to have some sort of hot sex experience in a mask.
it's ok, no one ever died fom being sticky.
i've gotta research that and get back to you.
What eyeshadow color says "yes I am at the dentist, and yes I am hungover please don't judge my life choices"
Wedding party came into the bar an hour ago. Mother of the bride is a stage five clinger. send help.
I woke up with a captain's hat on my desk.
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
We'll just play naked Twister, the rest will take care of itself
It's a Saturday night and I am in bed with two cats, a bottle of Riesling, and I'm masturbating to Iron Man. I'm great at being 21.
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
I'll text you tomorrow when I'm not in someone's torture cave if I don't by noon call for help.
Randomize
