i dont think my boyfriend knows how much of a pain it is to shave my ass
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard
Im interpreting your silence as a silent plea for me to come wake you up. See you soon.
The UPD just told me that he was going to call the cops if i try to run. you owe me 5 dollars, i told u they arn't real cops
I don't know if you remember, but I was only wearing an afghan.
Was this before or after he told that homeless man outside the bar about his past sexual experiences?
its cute though when you google his name more than one mug shot comes up from different states
His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him
Can vaginas get frostbite?
fuck it. from now on whatever room i wake up in, i'm stealing clothes from. this walk of shame shit is too much without pants
I watched Morgan Freeman explain the existence of nothing, now I'm afraid of sub - atomic particles. these egg rolls are outstanding
The hardest part about being a child of divorce is when you're at your dad's house but your condoms are at your mom's house.
I threw my back out having sex last night. I don’t know whether to high five myself for a job well done or cry because I’m old.
Im so unlucky if I fell in a barrel of dicks, I'd come our sucking my thumb
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