I just said that Oprah is crazy and like 5 fat white girls jumped down my throat. I sat back and smiled.
is 69 when you're sideways or up & down? I was on my back & confused.
they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.
consequently i now know what mace tastes like
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him
his mom gave me my lost underwear folded up along with the rest of my christmas present. tell me this cannot be happening.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
A three fingered guy just showed up with fireworks and bourbon, tonight will be entertaining.
in my defense i said 'lock up your wives' before going out.
You don't have a wife, you don't have a dog, and you need a new bong. Don't make this any worse than that.
Drunk packed a lunch. Made two turkey sandwiches and threw in a bag of raw bacon. Gold star for the day drunk self.
He pulled out the guitar, sat in tub, and took requests while she puked her brains out in the toilet. I think he loves her.
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
Let me set the mood for you. Do you remember Britney Spears in her Hit Me Baby One More Time era? Well I just fucked this college girl I shit you not her name is Persephone and she looks exactly like Britney Spears back when she was hot. I might be in love.
Randomize
