I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?
I hope so
i wonder if i could find a boyfriend who would call me big papa
sure if you go to prison
It's like Facebook knows when I'm about to masturbate and tells me to reconnect with exes.
i got totally wasted at 2pm and cleaned the house bc i was bored. my mom now supports my alcohol problem
I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.
I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.
For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)
That still doesn't explain why you thought it was a good idea to paint a cow on my guitar
we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet
The AC broke so he ended up sleeping in the front yard and left his one night stand on the couch.
I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."
Know anything about my roof collapsing last night?
Tequila.
This is my last chance to be the first person to fall off this roof.
I tried to bring you in when you passed out on the porch but all you said was that I "ruined your hope ands dreams of becoming an astronaut"
Saw throw up in the parking lot at work, glad I'm not the only one. But now the search begins.
Mary's wearing shades at her desk, brilliant!
Randomize
