She kept saying I was her favorite Jonas brother, and for some reason, I was ok with that.
i wanna give whoever invented massage chairs a blow job.
I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.
I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.
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You slammed your face into the toilet and declared you were moving your bed into the bathroom in the morning. Also, you insisted on crawling everywhere because feet are "overrated."
Dude, you need to man up. You passed out before a PRESEASON game. It's a long season.
He never answered about passing his structures test no matter how I asked him. He did send a text saying that he would be "pouring alcohol into his head and balls" so I'm guessing he has to retake the whole class.
It was all fun and games until he noticed the hickey that he hadn't given me...
We were having sex in the gardens when the grounds keeper walked up on us. He gave me a thumbs up and walked away
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Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
the amount of times i have been intoxicated, barefoot, and in a robe at 3 am at the quick check by your house is impressive, especially since i live an hour away
"my nose is broken but I'm beer pong champ so it evens out really"
i gotta stop hooking up with people just to get to their dogs
Fun fact: My predictive text now prompts "walrus" as the most likely word to follow "intoxicated"...
was having sex but got distracted... he instragramed a pic of his crotch
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