i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c
I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people
On Saturday, I sharted on my roommates dog while trying to make it smell my farts. Today I got security clearance to work for one of the most respected and secretive govt agencies in the US
It's the American dream
"what do u think of parents raising kids to be peeping toms" said guy on bus 2 me
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages
this is something i pride myself on being below average for
So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?
You know, it doesn't really count as a walk of shame if you guys showered together the next morning
casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?
Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.
We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"
so when our kids ask "when did you know you loved mommy?" you're gonna say "when she sent me emoticons about slobbing on my knob?"
My cousin is passed out in my room, so I just masturbated in my walk-in closet. Apparently I get off on danger. Make note of that.
Swear on my life the dude next to us just ordered a pizza and I will fight to the death for a slice
Randomize
