Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?
It's like a toaster oven for my penis
I don't like sad things. I do like drinking though
So do you want to hear how I got the hickey first, or how I got the black eye?
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
I am just saying if Clark Kent walks into your life, you fuck him
Boobs have been pretty central in my life somehow lately which makes me question if I am truly gay
My blue shorts are now brown from all the stripper fake tan
I am so sorry. Not sure for what, but whatever I did last night probably merits an apology, so I'm covering my bases.
I just wanna suck his dick on my balcony ya know
Good luck. While you're suffocating on a dick, I'll be eating pizza rolls. Being a good girl.
Can you please stop fucking every bartender in the city? Just once I want to have a Jack and Coke without fielding questions about your availability.
No no no, work drunk and day drunk are totally different. I got drunk with a client and made a huge sale at 1pm. You are still in your PJs and jacking off.
Randomize
