I think i ate a live goldfish last night. that i caught with my hand in a kiddie pool. my stomach really hurts.
I can only masturbate in one position. It's very inconvenient.
you better believe me or I'll punch you in the face
It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you
It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it
I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.
Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.
No. I want to vom filet mignon and ziti bits everywhere and my body feels like I ran a cock triathalon. I feel less triumphant and more like death.
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
Nothing like a false "my-dad-found-my-weed" alarm on Christmas day.
I love you, but it's "shark week" I'll make it up to you with naked breakfast.
I asked my boyfriend if he wanted a bong for his birthday but he instead asked for corndogs
the cheaper the better
can you take a pic of your glorious tits but not send it just yet? I need motivation to finish this bull shit presentation.
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