meow
WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.
I couldn't even finish, she was lounder and more annoying than DJ Khaled
You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.
Still borderline I believe. As bad as this sounds, I feel God owes me one here and should not let his grandmother die till after my birthday
Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet
We learned a lot about one another. I showed him around the town I grew up in and he informed me that he has had a threesome and killed a cat
OK! No more randoms over for the next month this is the third fucking time I caught a naked dude drinking my OJ in the middle of the night.
But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy
I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast
He just grabbed my boob and justified it by saying "I just wanna feel your heart beat"
After we had sex he told me it was a "goodbye gift". We haven't talked since.
No ambien sex tonight. I just ate two hotdogs with chilli and onions.
"I played a game called "how drunk can you get in a minute" last night. How was your Thursday?"
Like I just wanted some midlife crisis fun, not drama as big as his dick.
Smoking weed with a blind guy, don't worry he's chill.
You now have a new job. Call me around 1pm everyday and make sure I've eaten something. All I've had today is dick and cheesecake.
Randomize
