I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
There was so much of it... it was like he poured a bowl of pudding on my face. It's not bad for your hair is it?
You dont understand. she was my french AND spanish teacher. that's 2 kinds of freaky. i have to find her on facebook.
CANT TOUCH THIS JUST CAME ON MY IPOD. LOVE STEVE JOBS
he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..
Turns out my drunken logic and wordsmithing isn't quite the same as the sober version. I'm pretty sure I made fun of the managers mom at one point
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
I have got to stop making out with redheads. I need to sign my life over to my dad like Britney Spears.
So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.
You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.
Rolled in at 3:30am from the strip club, with all the screaming I did, Siri doesn't even recognize my voice this morning,
And really all I wanted was to be like "hey can I borrow your dick for a few hours this weekend?"
Mcnellies. I'm drunk enough that you have a window. Capitalize.
BRING KITTENS I AM A GENIUS
Also I just took the BEST ass selfie of my adult life.... it's gonna be a good day haha
Randomize
